Sometimes when we’re upset, our first instinct is to figure out how to make the feeling go away.
We want to fix it, understand it, solve the problem, or figure out what we’re supposed to do next.
But sometimes, the first step can be much simpler: name what you’re feeling.
This is something I’ve been thinking about while studying DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), particularly the emotion regulation module. There’s a concept called affect labelling, which essentially means putting our feelings into words.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, for example, you might pause and ask yourself: What am I actually feeling right now?
Maybe you’re angry. Or hurt. Anxious. Disappointed. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Sad. Completely overwhelmed.
Sometimes there’s more than one emotion there.
And you don’t necessarily need to figure out why you’re feeling it or what you’re going to do about it right away. The point isn’t to talk yourself out of the emotion or immediately find a solution.
It’s simply to notice it and put a name to it.
There can be something helpful about moving from “I feel awful and I don’t know what’s going on” to “I’m really disappointed about what happened” or “I’m feeling anxious because I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”
The situation hasn’t changed. You may still be upset. But you’ve created a little more space around the emotion.
And that’s part of what emotion regulation is about. It doesn’t mean being able to control your emotions or stop yourself from feeling difficult things. It’s about developing more ability to notice, understand and respond to emotions rather than feeling completely swept up by them.
So the next time you’re having a strong emotional reaction, you could try pausing before you jump into problem-solving.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to decide what to do. Just see if you can put the feeling into words.
It’s a small thing, but sometimes small things are a good place to start.
If you’re finding that difficult emotions are regularly feeling overwhelming or hard to manage, counselling can be a place to slow things down and better understand what’s happening. I offer counselling in Port Moody and virtually across BC. You can also book a free 15-minute consultation if you’d like to talk about whether counselling might be a good fit.